


the dreadfully delightful existence of semi-spectral things

by aut0_resp0nder



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), dave can see the future but, he has to make it happen if it involves him, hi my name's hal im 14 and im famous for writing fics with titles that mean nothing, so he has to get aradia and karkat to date him, this is. a good pairing and i wish more people liked it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14069916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aut0_resp0nder/pseuds/aut0_resp0nder
Summary: or: how to avoid time paradoxes through polyamory(on temporary hiatus due to lack of inspiration)





	1. dave and aradia

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA]

TG: hey  
TG: im dave  
AA: hello dave my name is aradia  
TG: okay aradia im gonna say something thats gonna sound hella fucking weird but just  
TG: just hear me out  
AA: sure  
TG: i can see the future  
TG: thats how i got your chumhandle  
TG: we uh  
AA: spit it out dave  
TG: we get together  
TG: like we start dating  
TG: in like three months  
AA: your pickup lines are atrocious  
TG: thats not even all of it  
TG: you know karkat vantas right  
AA: yes hes my biology partner  
TG: oh thank god i was worried you didnt cause that would make this way more complicated  
AA: why is it so important i know karkat  
TG: because he gets together with us  
TG: in like a dating way  
AA: what  
TG: theres the delayed disbelief and panic i was awaiting  
AA: no its not that i dont believe you its just  
AA: karkat? really?  
TG: sorry man thats just how it is i dont change the future just observe it  
AA: where do you live  
TG: whoa thats a little forward isnt it  
AA: just tell me  
TG: 832 derse street, its the only two story on the block  
AA: perfect i live on 293 derse in the red house  
TG: so what should i like  
TG: come over or something  
AA: if you want  
AA: my parents are away right now so im not stopping you  
TG: man you dont tell strangers youre home alone  
TG: what if im a pedophile catfishing you  
AA: are you a pedophile catfishing me  
TG: nah  
TG: be over in ten minutes

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA]


	2. aradia and karkat/karkat and dave

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

AA: karkat  
CG: What??? Did you lose your fucking Biology notes again?? Because I’m not letting you copy off of me this time.  
AA: no it isnt that  
CG: What’s up then?  
AA: do you know anyone named dave strider  
CG: Uh, there’s a Dirk Strider in my Programming class, but I don’t think I know a Dave. Why?  
AA: no reason  
CG: Well, there’s obviously a fucking reason, if there wasn’t one you wouldn’t have asked.  
AA: fair enough  
AA: he tells me he can see the future and that i get together with him  
CG: That is possibly the shittiest pickup line I’ve heard in my entire life.  
AA: yes thats what i thought too until he came over and predicted the exact minute the lightbulb burned out in my bedroom lamp  
CG: What the fuck, Aradia.  
AA: apparently his siblings can do it too i dont know if its weird family line magic or what  
CG: I think he’s pulling your leg. Weird kids and their siblings can’t see the damn future, that only happens in shitty movies.  
AA: and of course you know everything that happens in the movies  
CG: Shut up about that.  
AA: ha  
AA: anyway  
AA: do you want to meet him  
CG: He sounds like an asshole.  
AA: he kind of is but hes nicer and more interesting than damara is  
CG: Okay, sure, I’ll give him a chance. Am I meeting you or are you meeting me?  
AA: can we meet you in the park or something its kind of claustrophobic at home  
CG: Yeah, sure. Meet me at Skaia Park, okay?  
AA: be there in five minutes  
CG: See you then. Tell Strider to put a shirt on.  
AA: will do  
CG: That was a joke.  
AA: i know

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: I can see you coming now.  
CG: Jesus, Aradia, you could have told me he was cute.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: I don’t trust you.  
TG: wow what a warm welcome  
CG: I don’t believe you’re a psychic, either.  
TG: yeah what else is new  
TG: id ask if you wanted me to prove it but im sure youd find a way to blame it on some sciencey shit like jade and john always do so im not even gonna bother  
CG: No, I’m curious now. Can you predict something small?  
TG: okay sure one sec  
TG: uh  
TG: your collection of shitty movies is missing 50 first dates right  
CG: Yes…  
TG: youre gonna find the disc under the couch cushion  
CG: Can I test that?  
TG: go wild dude  
TG: you checking it at some point is imperative to avoiding the end of the universe  
CG: Yeah, okay. Be right back.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum!

TG: you still there  
CG: Okay, so you can tell the fucking future. What else is weird about our situation.  
TG: you get together with me and aradia  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: god damn it i knew youd take it like this  
CG: Like, like a threesome?  
TG: the word polyamory is probably more applicable because i didnt see any of us fucking but you never know  
CG: Oh thank god.  
TG: gee karkat you really know how to make a guy feel loved  
CG: Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
CG: So what’s your secret plan to woo me and Aradia? I gotta admit I’m quite curious.  
TG: if i told you it wouldnt be a secret would it karkles  
CG: Don’t call me that.  
TG: haha okay  
TG: karkles

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: wait no  
TG: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> made it longer


	3. dave and jade

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: jadey my lady can i ask you some stuff   
TG: hello

gardenGnostic [GG] is an idle chum!

TG: fuck

gardenGnostic [GG] is no longer idle!

GG: hey dave! sorry, roxy had to ask me something   
TG: its cool   
GG: what did you need to ask me again?   
TG: ok im just gonna cut to the chase here   
TG: how do you make a poly relationship work   
GG: whoa! this is kind of out of nowhere   
TG: yeah i know im sorry   
GG: no no no its ok! first off who do you have in mind to be your partners   
TG: you wont know them they dont go to skaia   
TG: actually   
TG: do you know karkat vantas   
TG: i know he lives on prospit street   
GG: i do actually! he lives a few blocks down   
GG: so im assuming hes a candidate   
TG: yeah him and this other girl named aradia   
TG: you know my whole psychic thing you dont believe in   
GG: actually im not so sure its so fake! rose was showing off for me yesterday and i might believe her   
TG: holy shit are you serious   
GG: maybe i am!   
TG: god damn this is awesome   
TG: so basically i had a weirdass vision last week and i saw me talking to aradia   
TG: thats how i knew her chumhandle i think   
TG: and uh   
TG: we ended up going out   
TG: but karkat was going out with both of us too   
TG: and it seemed like it was going really fucking well actually   
TG: and then i snapped out of it and immediately texted aradia   
GG: so do you like them?   
TG: theyre both unfairly attractive and theyre also pretty funny especially karkat   
GG: haha thats a good start!   
GG: the key to a relationship with more than two people is communication though   
GG: make sure you talk to each other!   
TG: ok well you probably know better than anyone that i have no trouble talking   
TG: the question is am i talking about the right things you feel   
GG: i certainly do feel! maybe you should talk to dirk and john about it   
GG: i am not super knowledgeable on relationships with boys   
GG: sorry dave :(   
TG: nah its cool harley   
TG: just so long as you keep roxy happy weve got no beef   
GG: will do :D   
TG: later then   
GG: bye dave!

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]


	4. aradia and damara/dave and dirk

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering antisocialAnarchy [AA]

AA: damara i have a question  
AA: 何?  
AA: what goes into a polyamorous relationship  
AA: like just hypothetically  
AA: 彼らは同時にあなたの体を荒らすことができます。あなたの中に物を入れさせる  
AA: oh for gods sake  
AA: forget it

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering antisocialAnarchy [AA]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: hey  
TT: Hey.  
TG: who am i talking to here  
TT: Dirk, obviously.  
TG: yeah ok tell me about the auto-responder  
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 98.6% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical raw data that I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.  
TT: Damn it.  
TG: see i knew it  
TG: i am the goddamn king of the turing test  
TG: where is he dude  
TT: How should I know? I’m in his glasses, which he currently isn’t wearing.  
TG: very funny i know youre jacked inside every piece of tech dirk owns where the hell is he  
TT: I told you I don’t know.  
TG: can you find him  
TT: I’m not that advanced yet.  
TT: I’ll message you when he comes back.  
TG: k thanks

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave? Did you need to ask me something?  
TG: yeah sorry for bothering you  
TT: It’s fine. You could have asked AR, you know.  
TG: something tells me my question is one that he wouldnt know the answer to  
TT: That’s a first.  
TT: So what’s up?  
TG: ill cut to the chase i guess  
TG: how do you seduce a guy  
TT: Depends on the guy. Does this guy happen to be the very Karkat Vantas in my Programming class?  
TG: what the fuck howd you know  
TT: I see the same future you do.  
TG: damn it my siblings the temporal voyeurs are back at it again  
TG: i hope you didnt see me macking on karkat and aradia because i really dont need to live with that over my head for three months  
TT: Will you relax? I didn’t see anything raunchy, I swear.  
TT: In any case, I don’t know shit about girls. Ask Roxy, maybe?  
TG: for fucks sake how far do i have to run around today just to get some fucking answers  
TT: I still don't get why would you ask me about girls. I'm gay.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: You can run from me, but you can't run from the fact that you thought I would know jack shit about women.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry karkat no screen time for you until next chapter because then i have to write kankri which i am not looking forward to


	5. dave, aradia, and karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been a week or so spring break was shitty

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board: READ THIS OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES

CG: Hey fuckface. Respond or I’m kicking you.   
TG: looks like old palomas got a hornet up her skirt   
TG: whats up with you why the hell are you so cranky   
AA: hes always like this   
CG: ANYWAY. First order of business.    
CG: My brother’s fucking off to college in a week, and my parents are off on a business trip for two. If you guys want to do something, or whatever, we should do it then.   
TG: wowie gentleman vantas is extending the most gracious of invitations to the humble peasants he associates with   
TG: however can we thank you   
CG: Don’t you have to woo me to avoid a time paradox? You’d better get fucking cracking.   
TG: good point   
TG: i dunno about hanging out ill check with dirk   
CG: What about you, Aradia?   
AA: damara doesnt really care what i do with my time so its safe to assume ill be free   
AA: or as free as i can be when im hanging around with karkat   
TG: oh my god fucking SMOKED    
CG: Great. Awesome. I regret so much.   
TG: its too late dude youre in the shit now   
TG: fucking entrenched   
AA: yeah karkat welcome to nam   
TG: haha hell yeah this girls awesome   
AA: 0u0   
AA: that looks dumb actually nevermind   
CG: Fuck both of you.   
TG: thats usually reserved for the third date

carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo!

AA: karkat   
CG: What??   
AA: add him back   
CG: No, fuck you.   
AA: then make me a mod i want to change the name of the board because its stupid   
CG: Fine.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has added apocalypseArisen [AA] to the list of moderators!

apocalypseArisen [AA] has changed board title to: karkat vantas literally banned the guy whos supposed to be flirting with us to avoid a rip in the spacetime continuum but go off i guess!

apocalypseArisen [AA] added turntechGodhead [TG] to memo!

TG: once again i regret my decision to strike up a cultural conversation with the caps lock crowd   
CG: God damn it.   
TG: cmon karkat why you gotta break my heart like this   
TG: look at it all shattered into splinters on the floor   
TG: you did that i hope you’re proud   
AA: ha   
CG: Okay, I cannot fucking deal with you right now. We’re hanging out next week on Tuesday. End of story. I’m closing the chat.   
TG: whatever dude   
AA: okay goodbye

apocalypseArisen [AA] has left the memo!

turntechGodhead [TG] has left the memo!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has closed memo karkat vantas literally banned the guy whos supposed to be flirting with us to avoid a rip in the spacetime continuum but go off i guess!


	6. sidelines i: dirk, rose, and roxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i put a homestuck reference in a necklace i made and put in an art show and apparently some girl who goes to school with me got the reference? so i walk into third period today and my teacher says she bought me a fucking scalemate plushie. i have never met this girl

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] posted to memo: strilonde hell gchat (dave-free edition)

TG: okay so whatre we gonna do abt davey and thos other kids hes tryna get with

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Isn’t it a bit rude to form an entire group memo without our dear brother? High-school gossip techniques are a little outdated, if I may say so.   
TT: In any case I’m glad to know that the other members of our little coven can see that particular temporal branch. I was worried I was hallucinating Dave in a desirable romantic state in order to compensate for my decidedly dry love life.   
TG: rosey you got a gf dontcha   
TT: Kanaya’s out of town for a few weeks. I’m very disappointed.   
TG: lol i can tell   
TG: anyway lets get back 2 tha topic at hand how bout   
TT: Of course. Dave’s future romantic escapades are likely to come to pass---it’s surely common knowledge that we must work towards securing our own futures in order to avoid time paradoxes and other shenanigans.    
TT: I happen to know that he’s at least making an attempt, although in my personal opinion he’s coming off a bit hostile.

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo!

TT: How do you know he’s making attempts?   
TT: God damn it.   
TT: How do you know he's making attempts?   
TG: hey whos this   
TT: It’s Dirk, you really don’t need to ask me this every time. The AR can’t join group memos, he just keeps changing my text color to fuck with me.   
TT: Rose, how do you know?   
TT: My girlfriend happens to be close friends with one of his potential paramours. Kanaya has known Karkat since they were both quite small.   
TT: Okay. I was worried his.   
TT: Uh.   
TT: Line?   
TG: shitty flirtin style   
TT: I was worried his shitty flirting style was making the gossip rounds.   
TT: No need to worry about that. It’s not in the cards. Dave’s timeline shows no chance of him embarrassing himself in front of anyone but Karkat and Aradia.   
TG: thank FUCK we dont want poor dave gettin his heart broke in front of like   
TG: god an everyone @ the mall or whtever   
TT: Like I said, it’s under control. I’m sure Dave is self-aware enough to conceal his more…   
TT: Erroneous attempts at wooing Miss Megido and Mister Vantas.   
TT: You sound vaguely devious. What are you planning.   
TT: Am I planning something?   
TT: It wasn’t a question.   
TG: (oh shit dirks gettin serious)   
TT: You’d better not fuck this up for Dave. It’s important to him.   
TT: And the sanctity of the space-time continuum, or whatever.   
TT: He likes these kids, don’t get involved.   
TT: I wasn’t planning to. Actually, I have English class with Aradia, and I was hoping to be able to convince her that Dave actually is as cool as he pretends.   
TT: I don’t like telling lies, but I am on his side here.   
TT: Fine. Be careful.   
TT: Will do.    
TT: I’m afraid I have to go, the bell’s about to ring for fifth period. Have a nice day.   
TT: Later.   
TG: bye rosie

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo!

TG: anyway distri besides goin off on rose for bein hells of sneaky whatd you have in mind for dave tryin to woo thos kiddos   
TT: He talked to me about it already. I told him I had no fuckin’ idea about Megido, and told him good luck with Vantas.   
TT: Should I have given him more advice?   
TG: not if its bogus   
TT: Guess not then.   
TG: shiet i gotta bounce   
TG: miss leijons about to throw me in school jail for usin my phone in french class   
TT: Detention isn’t called school jail.   
TG: what the fuck ever!!! my point is i gotta run   
TG: later bro love ya   
TT: Bye.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo!

timaeusTestified [TT] closed memo: strilonde hell gchat (dave-free edition)!


	7. aradia, karkat and dave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4/27/18 edit: fixed a minor inconsistency in chapter 2

turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo: karkat vantas literally banned the guy whos supposed to be flirting with us to avoid a rip in the spacetime continuum but go off i guess !

TG: hey aradia you know my sister rose right

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo!

AA: yes   
AA: she sits next to me in english class   
TG: ok sick   
TG: has she talked to you about me at all    
TG: like i mean anything   
AA: shes trying to convince me youre cool i think   
AA: which is completely pointless   
TG: what why   
AA: because i happen to know you arent cool at all   
AA: of course that doesnt mean i dont like you   
AA: actually i find it endearing   
TG: oh shit score

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo!

TG: not this clown again  
CG: Aradia may find it endearing, but it’s actually extremely fucking infuriating. Just putting that out there.  
AA: karkat shut up already  
CG: I will not.   
TG: oh god damn it  
TG: look dude ill leave the memo or something but you KNOW we have to be happily dating in two and a half months or else the universe will collapse or something equally apocalyptic  
TG: i know i fuck around a lot but i am legitimately being completely stone-cold serious about this  
CG: I already said I believed you.  
TG: heres the thing i really dont think you get the immense fucking gravity of this situation  
TG: its gravity is so goddamn powerful theres like 900 psi directly on my dick rn  
TG: "im in pain karkat" i say with my dying breath  
TG: "and its your fault"  
CG: Fuck off.  
TG: srsly all jokes aside this is p serious  
AA: we know dave  
AA: karkat is just being a bit of a bitch   
TG: god DAMN you have some fire in you  
TG: you look like a tiny little baby but holy shit youre fucking savage  
AA: thank you  
CG: Okay, okay, let’s change the subject. I’m so NOT in the fucking mood for another goddamn argument.   
TG: fine by me dude im just contractually obligated to make sure the knowledge of how fucking legit this is is all up in your mind like those brain eating amoebas i saw on animal planet once  
AA: ew  
CG: Ew.  
TG: this isnt the point god damn it  
AA: im gonna go afk for a second here i have to get something  
TG: k  
AA: ok im back  
AA: hey karkat how old are you  
CG: What? Why?  
AA: just tell me  
CG: No!  
TG: give the lady your age vantas its not like shes the re-captcha trying to check if youre a robot or not what even is the big deal anyway  
CG: Why do you need to know?  
AA: because im checking the school listings for damara and youre listed as being fourteen years old

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo!

TG: ohhhhhhhh my god   
TG: OH my god   
TG: karkles is still a little kid?????   
TG: look at me using fuckin punctuation like the big kid that vantas apparently isnt   
AA: dave dont tease him   
AA: i just turned fifteen two months ago its not like the age difference is excessive   
TG: yeah i know its just   
TG: all my siblings are so goddamn perfect i dont have anyone to make fun of anymore   
AA: is that begrudging admiration i hear in your text   
TG: more like frustration and a severe lack of people to viciously mock (in good fun of course)   
AA: hmmm   
TG: but now   
TG: now that ive learned that karkats still a fuckin baby?   
TG: hed better prepare for me to hand him his ass on a silver fucking platter   
TG: its like he heard someone over here was handing out asses and hed known nothing but years of bitter ass famine   
AA: id very much appreciate never having to read the words ‘bitter ass famine’ again thank you dave   
TG: yeah yeah whatever you know what i mean   
AA: i should probably go get him   
TG: wait are you with him now   
AA: dave   
AA: karkat and i live together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do aradia and karkat live together? find out whenever i update this again which is hopefully soon


	8. aradia, dave and karkat: part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for discussion of abuse and vague mentions of incest. nothing graphic of course

TG: whoa whoa whoa what   
TG: oh my god please dont let you two be siblings im really not an incest man and i dont plan on becoming one even if the universes asshole rips open or whatever   
TG: aradia   
TG: are you there   
TG: aradia   
AA: dave calm down! karkat and i arent related at all please stop worrying   
TG: oh thank jesus christ almighty   
AA: we live together because   
AA: well   
AA: im not sure he wants me to tell you this   
AA: im sure hed rather tell you himself   
AA: its sort of personal   
TG: oh shit okay   
TG: phasing out of joke mode now   
AA: okay one second

apocalypseArisen [AA] has added carcinoGeneticist [CG] to the memo!

AA: karkat  
CG: What?  
AA: we need you to tell us something  
CG: Is it about my age again? I get it! I’m younger than you guys! What the fuck is up!  
TG: no dude its not about that  
TG: sorry for teasing you at any rate  
CG: Holy shit, Strider’s apologizing for something? I never thought I’d live to see that.  
AA: karkat  
CG: Sorry. What did you need to ask me?  
AA: dave doesn’t know why you live with me and i think he deserves to know  
CG: ...Okay.  
CG: My dad and Mr. Megido were friends. My dad also was… kind of shitty?  
CG: He drank a lot, and stuff.   
CG: I think something happened between him and my brother? I was really young.  
CG: I know Kankri got hurt pretty badly but I don’t remember exactly what happened.  
CG: The people at the doctor’s office found out, and we had to leave.  
CG: Kankri and I, I mean. They wouldn’t let us stay with our dad anymore.  
CG: I was friends with Aradia already, and Kankri knows Damara, so Mr. Megido decided to take one for the fucking team and let us live with him, I guess.  
CG: He’s not legally our guardian, and Aradia and I don’t think of each other as siblings. It's more of an endless sleepover at your friend's house kinda thing.   
AA: damara calls you and kankri her brothers  
CG: Do I look like Damara to you?  
TG: ok so lemme get this straight  
TG: your dad sucked ass and hit your brother so social services came  
CG: Right.  
TG: so your dads friend who happens to be your friends dad took you in  
CG: Yep.  
TG: okay so my one question is  
TG: i have been to your house  
TG: how the hell did i not notice  
AA: we dont tell people idiot  
AA: neither of us like telling the stupid story  
TG: thats fair  
TG: my brothers kind of shitty too so i get it  
CG: I like Dirk.  
TG: no not dirk one of my adult brothers his names derrick  
TG: he like made dirk and i fight him with swords and stuff it was kind of fucked up  
TG: then my other bro d swooped in like batman or whatever and we left  
TG: that was when i was like 8  
CG: Jesus Christ.  
AA: he made you fight him with swords when you were eight years old?  
TG: like i said dude it was kind of fucked up  
TG: this isnt the point anyway  
TG: the point is that i get it and it isnt weird or whatever  
CG: Okay. Thanks.  
AA: yeah thanks i was worried youd keep freaking out because you thought we were brother and sister  
TG: oh no look come on ive had some disturbingly close calls of the incest variety   
TG: aka i internet-flirted with a girl for like six months and then she turned out to be like my cousin or something  
AA: or something  
TG: yeah i know okay  
TG: hey do you guys wanna come over or something  
TG: i have movies  
AA: sure  
CG: What kind of movies?  
TG: oh no i gotta spell it so the baby doesnt know  
CG: Just tell me, asshole!  
TG: r-o-m-c-o-m-s  
AA: oh boy  
CG: What time?  
TG: idk now maybe  
TG: my sisters home though ill just make her lock her door i guess  
CG: Works for me.  
AA: be there soon

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo!

apocalypseArisen [AA] has left the memo!

turntechGodhead [TG] closed memo: karkat vantas literally banned the guy whos supposed to be flirting with us to avoid a rip in the spacetime continuum but go off i guess !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case it wasnt clear i did decide to make karkat's dad spades slick instead of the signless. aradia's dad is supposed to be diamonds droog


	9. sidelines ii: dirk and john/karkat and nepeta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fucjking. power went out at my house. so i had to reboot my computer and i want to die basically. enjoy this shitty chapter while i make sure none of my sai paintings got deleted

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]!

TT: Hey, what’s up?  
EB: tell me about the auto-responder.  
TT: Jesus Christ, is he really that bad? Should I get rid of him?  
EB: no way! he’s actually kinda cool, and roxy likes him a lot.   
EB: he just really likes fucking with me in particular by pretending to be you.  
EB: i guess its alright. i have a lot of blackmail material now.  
TT: What?  
EB: that’s not the point!!!!  
EB: the point is that i want to know if dave’s told you anything about his, uh…  
EB: romantic leanings lately????  
TT: I’m not authorized to say.  
EB: oh man, he SO did.  
TT: God damn it. 

 

carcinogeneticist [CG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC]!

CG: Hey, Nepeta.  
AC: hi karkat!  
CG: Okay, I’m kind of pressed for time here so I’ll cut to the chase.  
CG: I need some romantic advice.  
AC: oh my god i thought youd never ask

 

EB: no, dude, listen, that karkat kid has a HUGE crush on him.  
TT: Yeah, okay. How do you know?  
EB: im in his english class! he keeps staring at his phone and i swear it’s always dave’s pesterchum logs on the screen.  
TT: That means nothing.  
EB: what world are you living in where a guy endlessly rereading what another guy says to him DOESN’T mean he has a crush????  
EB: that’s like every taylor swift music video, but for the modern age.  
TT: I bet you’d know all about Taylor Swift’s music videos, John.  
EB: don’t change the subject!!!!!

 

CG: Aradia’s really fucking pretty!! I see her every single day and I somehow never get bored of seeing her smile or laugh.  
AC: go on  
CG: And Dave’s a little annoying, but he’s pretty fucking hilarious and always knows just what to say to everything!!  
AC: sounds to me like you have textbook crushes on both of those cuties  
CG: Yeah, I got that part, Nepeta.  
CG: I came to you so you could, I don’t know, maybe tell me how the hell I’m supposed to TELL them that???  
CG: Also, did you catch the part where I mentioned that if we aren’t dating in two months, the temporal timeline gets fucked up??????  
AC: omg karkat chill out  
AC: look i cant work my magic over text come over to my house  
CG: Seriously?  
AC: karkat just do it  
AC: this case is tougher than i thought!  
AC: the address is 836 derse street see you in an hour

arseniccatnip [AC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]!

CG: I fele like she thinks I’m hopeless.

 

TT: For fuck’s sake, John, you can’t expect me to dish out all the dirt on my brother’s romantic life.  
TT: He barely ever tells me shit anyway. It’s practically guaranteed that you know more about him than I do.  
EB: dirk, i’m dying over here!  
EB: the lack of juicy gossip is draining me, man.  
EB: help your bro’s best bro out.  
TT: I’ve told you everything i know! Can we quit the interrogation here?  
EB: no way!  
TT: Dude, I’ll turn on the AR if I have to.  
EB: you wouldn’t.  
TT: Hello, John.

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Ouch.


	10. dave and rose/dave and aradia

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] !

 

TG: rose  
TG: rose rose rose  
TG: rose are you busy  
TT: Yes.  
TG: cool listen to this  
TG: i had another future vision thingy last night guess what it was  
TG: guess rose pls  
TT: You met Aradia in the bathroom and kissed her.  
TG: well shit  
TG: i always fucking forget that you guys can see the future too  
TT: It’s a good thing Roxy didn’t sleep last night. She probably would have laughed for days.   
TG: dammit rose you dont gotta rub it in  
TG: i bet youre just jealous that your girlfriend is in iraq or wherever and i get TWO hotties to mack on  
TT: There are a few things wrong with your last statement. Allow me to elaborate.  
TT: First of all, I’m not jealous of anything. The day I’m jealous of you is the day I’ll ask Dirk to put a bullet in my head.  
TT: Second of all, you don’t have anyone to mack on as of right now. You don’t meet Aradia for another 15 minutes, and you aren’t officially dating her or Karkat yet.  
TT: Third of all, Kanaya’s from Pakistan.  
TG: man same region  
TG: anyway i gotta go  
TG: would you do me the bare minimum courtesy of wishing me luck with aradia  
TT: Of course, but you should know that luck is irrelevant. Clairvoyance never lies.  
TG: you know what im leaving have fun in cthulhu class or whatever the fuck  
TG: later  
TT: Bye.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] !

 

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] !

AA: dave are you in class right now   
TG: i mean   
TG: yeah   
TG: why   
AA: what class   
TG: photography   
AA: ok good   
TG: ?????   
AA: meet me in the bathroom on the second floor by ms serkets classroom   
TG: ohhhhh okay   
AA: wait do you   
AA: do you know what i was going to ask   
TG: i see the future i dont read minds   
TG: the contents of your grey matter is still confidential i promise   
AA: if you say so   
AA: anyway meet me there and hurry up i got a hall pass like five minutes ago   
TG: shit okay   
TG: wait   
TG: the girls bathroom?   
AA: dave strider nobody is going to see us   
TG: fine be right there

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it really a cliffhanger if you know exactly where its going


	11. dave and karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for that mini-hiatus i was sick. content warning: theres like two (2) lines where they talk about columbine. its not graphic at all

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] !

TG: dude holy shit   
TG: karkat   
TG: karkat pls   
CG: What????   
TG: dude youre never gonna believe what just happened   
CG: It’d better be pretty fucking incredible because I’m taking a Chemistry test.   
TG: aradia just made out with me in the girls bathroom by serkets classroom   
CG: Why, exactly, is this important?   
TG: how are you not at all interested in the fact that i stuck my tongue down your not-sisters throat   
CG: Jegus, forgive me for not wanting to hear about your sexual escapades with the girl i share a house with.   
CG: Jesus***, shit.   
TG: jegus    
CG: Don’t turn this into a thing.   
TG: oh you bet your sweet and remarkably nicely-shaped ass its gonna be a thing   
TG: you cant even comprehend the level of typo-mocking im at at this point in my life   
TG: its too easy with roxy but with the others? i still havent let dirk live down the time he misspelled you as yoy three times in one sentence and that was four years ago   
CG: What the fuck is wrong with you?   
TG: oh also this one time i was talking to feferi and she typed columbine instead of combine and i printed it out and hung it on my wall   
CG: Dave, people fucking got shot.   
TG: yeah in hindsight that was kinda fucked up but holy hell was it funny   
TG: anyway    
TG: aradia kissed me in the bathroom dude   
CG: I’m aware.   
TG: man why are you like this to me   
CG: Because I’ve literally heard every goddamn word you’ve said so far before, besides your account of Feferi’s unfortunate typo.   
CG: Aradia messaged me all about it ten minutes ago.   
TG: oh fuck   
TG: sorry dude   
CG: Don’t fucking apologize.   
CG: I’d probably be yelling with you if i wasn’t in science class right now.   
TG: oh shit sorry again man   
TG: wait   
TG: how do you know im yelling   
CG: I can hear you down the hall.   
CG: Ms. Maryam’s getting annoyed, you’d better stop.   
TG: oh damn it i gotta go   
CG: ?   
TG: ampora caught me yelling and hes gonna throw me in school jail   
CG: It’s called detention, Dave.   
TG: man what the fuck ever   
CG: Later, then.   
TG: okay bye   
TG: love you

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] !

CG: Wait, what?   
CG: Hey, come back!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i know ive used the school jail joke before but 1. i love the idea of dave taking after roxy and 2. its fucking hilarious


	12. aradia and karkat/damara and kankri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck everything kankris chumhandle took me 20 minutes to come up with

apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] !

AA: hey  
AA: karkat  
AA: are you awake  
CG: Well, I am now.   
CG: Aradia, it’s two in the fucking morning.  
CG: Why are you texting me? We share a room. I’m two goddamn feet away from you.  
AA: sorry  
CG: Wait.  
CG: Is something wrong?  
AA: why would there be something wrong  
CG: Because you only apologize in a remotely fucking straightforward way when you’re upset.  
AA: i didnt know i was so predictable  
AA: ill work on that  
CG: Don’t change the subject.  
CG: What’s up?  
AA: im just  
AA: i dont know  
AA: i feel a lot of things i guess  
AA: more things than im used to feeling all at once  
AA: im not explaining this very well am i  
CG: No, I think I get it.  
CG: You’re overwhelmed by the stuff that’s happening in your life and you don’t know why it’s making you feel like you do. Is that sort of on the mark?  
AA: pretty much  
CG: Do you know what’s making you overwhelmed?  
AA: i do but i dont think i can tell you  
CG: ?  
AA: not because i dont trust you or anything its just  
AA: i dont know i feel like you wouldnt get it  
AA: ugh that sounds so pretentious  
CG: Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry.  
AA: come here  
CG: Where, on your bed?  
AA: yes  
CG: Okay, give me a second.

KARKAT: What’s up?  
ARADIA: where are you i cant see you  
KARKAT: Yes, that’s because its pitch fucking dark. You know, because it’s night time. That thing that exists, that you continuously disregard.  
ARADIA: haha  
KARKAT: I’m on the end of the bed.  
ARADIA: can you come closer please if youre nearer to me i can see you better  
KARKAT: Fine.  
KARKAT: Hey, are you… crying?  
ARADIA: no im not  
KARKAT: Aradia, I can hear you.  
ARADIA: okay yes i am  
KARKAT: What happened? Did I say something wrong?  
ARADIA: no youre fine  
ARADIA: youre better than fine i promise  
KARKAT: Okay.   
KARKAT: Do you, um.  
KARKAT: Do you, like, want a hug, or something?  
ARADIA: wow karkat so forward  
KARKAT: Fuck you, offer rescinded.  
ARADIA: actually i would like a hug if you dont mind

ARADIA: your pajamas are itchy how do you wear these things  
KARKAT: Okay, wow. You have no fucking taste, apparently.  
KARKAT: These are made of fine Irish wool, Aradia. Sheared from only the silkiest of sheep.  
ARADIA: jesus okay then  
ARADIA: i didnt know you were so passionate about your sleepwear  
KARKAT: Yeah, well. They were a present.  
ARADIA: can i ask from who  
KARKAT: Um. Damara, actually. They were a birthday present, I think.  
ARADIA: i cant hear you karkat your face is in my hair  
KARKAT: Shit, sorry.  
KARKAT: I said they were from Damara.  
ARADIA: oh ok

KARKAT: Hey, Aradia.  
ARADIA: yes  
KARKAT: Can I, um.  
KARKAT: Can I.  
KARKAT: Uh.  
ARADIA: what is it  
KARKAT: Ugh, nevermind. Sorry.  
ARADIA: no wait please tell me  
KARKAT: Here, I’ll just. I’ll show you, I guess.

 

antisocialAnarchy [AA] began pestering catharticGallimaufry [CG] !

AA: 彼は最初にキスをした  
AA: あなたは私に20ドルの借りている  
CG: Urgh, fine.

antisocialAnarchy [AA] ceased pestering catharticGallimaufry [CG] !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AA: he kissed her first   
>  AA: you owe me twenty dollars   
>  CG: Urgh, fine.


	13. dave, karkat, and aradia/rose, dirk, and roxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, ill be putting this fic on the backburner for a bit because im not super inspired atm! ive got a lot of stuff going on and yknow how it is. however this work is NOT being abandoned and will still update from time to time! also, if you like my writing, please consider commissioning me! my tumblr is @striderai, dm me for more details

turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on board: karkat vantas literally banned the guy whos supposed to be flirting with us to avoid a rip in the spacetime continuum but go off i guess !

TG: oh god damn it thats such a shitty group name

turntechGodhead [TG] has changed board title to: do you guys think an asshole can rip in half !

TG: haha hell yeah

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo!

CG: Your stupidity knows no bounds.   
TG: listen dude i dont care about that right now   
CG: Oh? What DO you care about right now, then?   
TG: this

turntechGodhead [TG] has changed board title to: will my future paramours meet me at the dennys on main street in twenty minutes !

CG: You could have just written a message.  
TG: yeah but i want dia to see it  
TG: @apocalypseArisen cmon baby

apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo!

AA: hi guys   
TG: pls view memo title for more details   
AA: haha ok   
CG: The Denny’s, seriously?   
TG: shut up dennys is god tier   
CG: Whatever. I’ll be there.   
AA: me too   
TG: tight   
TG: see ya

turntechGodhead [TG] left the memo!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] left the memo!

apocalypseArisen [AA] closed memo: will my future paramours meet me at the dennys on main street in twenty minutes !

 

timaeusTestified [TT] opened group memo: strilonde hell group chat (dave-free edition) !

TT: @everyone

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo!

TG: oh jeuss fuckign christ if you start regularlarly @evryone-ing im gonaa blow a gasket i hate tgat feature so fujking much   
TT: Are you drunk?   
TG: waht no im jsut   
TG: i stayed up so fckn late im fallinhg asleep ijn my chair rn lol   
TT: Rox, go to sleep.    
TG: noooo i don wanna miss tge davecoruse   
TG: davecourse   
TG: i hav….forseeen it   
TT: Davecourse? What?

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo!

TT: The only time we use this particular group chat is to talk secretly about our dear brother’s romantic entanglements, so in actual fact, I do feel as though the moniker of “Davecourse” is appropriate.   
TT: Get some sleep, Roxy.    
TG: i hate tgis fuckin familily

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] left the memo!

TT: Anyway. What Dave-adjacent issues are we discussing today?   
TT: Don’t play dumb, you can see the future. I know you know.   
TT: Of course I know, I just don’t feel the need to lord it over everyone’s heads all the time, and am therefore in the habit of ignoring my ability. Forgive me.   
TT: I will ask again. What Dave-adjacent issues are we discussing today?   
TT: It will be my pleasure to escort you to the gates of Hell.   
TT: The kids are going on a date.   
TT: Ooh, how exciting! They practically never go anywhere without each other these days, but this is the first I’m hearing of an official date. Where is it?   
TT: Um. The Denny’s on Main Street.   
TT: Dirk.   
TT: Rose.

timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo!

TT: Auto-Responder.

timaeusTestified [TT] banned timaeusTestified [TT] from responding to memo!

TT: Why, Dirk. I would have thought you’d watched enough science fiction to know not to be rude to the artificial intelligence.    
TT: He’s barely an artificial intelligence in the first place. He’s a glorified chatbot. I gotta make it so he can’t join group memos anymore.   
TT: It won’t help. He’ll keep doing it.   
TT: Whatever. Anyway. Dave’s going out with Karkat and Aradia, predictions?   
TT: No future vision.   
TT: Hmm.    
TT: I predict that Dave will confess. He will be a stuttering, embarrassed mess, but it will only endear him more to his paramours. Aradia will kiss him. Karkat will say he needs more time to think about it, but will call Dave in a panic two days from now and tell him he loves him.   
TT: I said, no future vision. You always ruin surprises.   
TT: I can’t help myself.


End file.
